Hey guys, so we’re going to take a page out of the New York Rangers’ book and write a guide to how women should watch the Boston Bruins. Except this one is written by a guy. Because obviously only guys know anything about hockey, amirite?!
So here are a bunch of tips on how to enjoy the game, ladies:
- The Bruins wear black or white jerseys with gold trim. This one is really important to remember, because people will look at you weird if you start cheering for the wrong team.
- Every player on the team has fangirls. This extends from the biggest names on the team to the people you’ve totally never heard of. For example, do you know who Daniel Paille is? (Of course you don’t, you’re a girl.) Well, he has fangirls. So, yeah, everybody. Especially Tyler Seguin because he’s young and rich.
- No, Tyler Seguin won’t sleep with you. He’s banging Aly Raisman, we think. You know, the gymnast. But not the one who made the “not impressed” face. Some other one… okay, we don’t even know who. Or care.
- People will be more impressed with you if you pick interesting players to fangirl over. Basically, avoid the well-known players. The Tyler Seguins, Milan Lucics (he’s married anyway), Zdeno Charas (he’s 6’9”, he would crush you… unless you’re into that), or Shawn Thorntons of the world. Chris Kelly is a popular pick, or you could be a cradle-robber and stake a claim to rookie Dougie Hamilton. (Edit: Patrice Bergeron is a perfect human being. You can go for him, too.)
- Nobody actually watches the game anyway. There’s a reason why we sell so many “Drink Beer and Fight” and “Win or Lose, We Still Booze” shirts in Boston. All we give a fuck about is getting drunk and watching fights. So don’t worry that you don’t know anything about the game. Just get excited and yell things when Bruins players hit or punch people. (For a guide on which players are Bruins, see the very first tip.)
There you have it, ladies: a complete guide to watching the Boston Bruins play… whatever sport it is they play. Touchdown!
*If you believe that any of this post is meant to be taken seriously, please direct your computer here and here for an apology and coupon for one (1) free GahdenGremlins.com thong at our online store. Thank you!