Gahden Gremlins

All-world Bruins goalie (and Conn Smythe winner) Tim Thomas has already started his day with the Stanley Cup, bringing it to his hometown of Flint, Michigan. He’ll have it again on September 3 when he brings it to his alma mater, the University of Vermont.

But what some folks don’t know is that Thomas’ day with the Cup was scheduled so close to those of Milan Lucic and Cam Neely because Thomas originally had a significantly different itinerary planned. Thomas actually had to be talked out of his original plans. Shame, really - they’re pretty good.

Without further ado, Tim Thomas’ original itinerary for his day with the Stanley Cup:

7:00 AM: Timmy arrives in Vancouver and busts into Looch’s house. Wakes up hung over keepers of the Cup, drags them into Bruins convertible. “Just had it painted up yesterday.”

7:40 AM: Breakfast at Tim Hortons. Timmy orders a donut and a box of 23 Timbits. “See this?” he asks the cashier while holding up the donut. “This is how many goals I let in in Game 7. Now see this?” Thomas holds up the box of Timbits. “This is how many goals your goalie let in over the course of the series.”

7:42 AM: Timmy is escorted from the Tim Hortons for his own personal safety.

8:10 AM: The limo pulls into a Mr. Lube. Timmy comments on how “Mr. Lube” would make a great nickname for Roberto Luongo. “He’s greasy enough, after all.”

8:15 AM: Timmy secures a tire pump from Mr. Lube in exchange for letting the employees look at the Stanley Cup. Look - but not touch. “This isn’t the Memorial Cup, boys. You haven’t won this one yet.”

8:16 AM: Timmy is escorted from the Mr. Lube for his own personal safety.

8:45 AM: Timmy pulls into Movieland arcade, finds an old “Burger Time” machine, and proceeds to blow three hours amassing all of the high scores.

11:02 AM: Timmy instructs the keepers of the Cup to ditch the yellow convertible in the Pacific Ocean and rent a limo instead. They reluctantly oblige.

12:00 PM: After Googling “The Best Damn Cheeseburger In Vancouver,” Timmy is surprised to find a link containing that very string of words in the title. Then he sees the name of the restaurant is “Au Petit Chavignol,” and changes his mind. “Must be Habs fans.”

12:03 PM: Timmy remembers how much he likes annoying Habs fans.

12:18 PM: The party pulls into the restaurant, where Timmy proceeds to walk in carrying the Cup over his head. He threatens to throw it at the handful of Canucks fans who give him dirty looks.

12:22 PM: The waiter asks for the party’s drink order. Timmy answers, “Three lemon waters, for my companions… and five bottles of Jack.”

12:26 PM: The waiter comes back with the drinks and asks for everyone’s orders. Timmy says, “Just give me all the cheeseburgers you have.”

12:27 PM: “Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was give me a lot of cheeseburgers. What I said was: Give me all the cheeseburgers you have. Do you understand?” The waiter nods.

1:05 PM: The waiter comes back with everyone’s orders, including over 200 cheeseburgers. Timmy complains about how long it took, as he fell asleep about twenty minutes ago, dreaming of cheeseburgers, and already cleared out three bottles of Jack.

1:10 PM: Timmy finishes his last cheeseburger.

1:20 PM: The party walks out of the restaurant. Timmy instructs the keepers of the Cup to pay the bill, but not leave a tip, while he uses the bathroom.

1:21 PM: Timmy leaves the keepers of the Cup behind at the restaurant, taking the limo for a joyride with the Cup and the remaining Jack in the passenger’s seat.

1:35 PM: Timmy is pulled over for doing 155 km/hr in a 50 km/hr zone.

1:36 PM: The police officer motions for Timmy to roll down his tinted window. The officer then sees Timmy wearing nothing but capris and sunglasses, with the Stanley Cup and Jack Daniel’s in the passenger’s seat. “What?”

1:37 PM: The police officer wisely chooses to let Timmy go.

1:38 PM: While driving away, Timmy questions the judgment of Canadians for using kilometers per hour on their speedometers and road signs. “It’s just a way for them to pump their tires over their insignificant speed limits.”

2:04 PM: Timmy drives by Roberto Luongo’s house. He then proceeds to unscrew all four of the valve stem caps on Luongo’s car.

2:07 PM: Timmy places the tire pump he acquired from Mr. Lube in Luongo’s driveway with a note that says “Hey Roberto, thought you might want this. Love, Timmy”

2:09 PM: Timmy takes off from Luongo’s property for his own personal safety.

2:24 PM: Timmy pulls into the main office of Vancouver Trolley and demands that they give him a trolley car all to himself.

2:49 PM: Timmy throws himself a parade through the streets of Vancouver. The remaining Jack doesn’t last until 3:00.

4:15 PM: Timmy busts through the doors of Au Petit Chavignol again and asks if they have any more cheeseburgers. The waiter says no. Timmy punches him in the face.

4:26 PM: Timmy wanders into the Hamilton Street Grille and orders one cheeseburger (he’s not so hungry right now). Asks for Swiss cheese on it. “Reminds me of Luongo.”

4:27 PM: Timmy is escorted from the Hamilton Street Grille for his own personal safety.

4:34 PM: Timmy settles for a Wendy’s because Dave Thomas “is an all-American guy.”

5:59 PM: Keepers of the Cup finally catch up to Timmy, who is back at the arcade playing “Burger Time.”

6:04 PM: EA programmers notice Timmy in the arcade and ask him to come play NHL 12.

6:05 PM: Timmy holds two of them against a wall by the collar and demands them to switch “that little Owen Wilson bitch Stamkos” off of the cover for him. They oblige.

6:31 PM: Timmy pulls into EA offices and begins putting on his goalie gear. “What, you don’t play Xbox in full pads?”

6:34 PM: Timmy sees that his rating in the game is below what he expects. The programmers are held up against a wall again until they change it.

7:38 PM: The programmers finish adjusting Timmy’s overall rating to 122 as he uses their credit cards to order cheeseburger deliveries and a George Foreman grill for every room in his house.

9:14 PM: As the Bruins, Timmy finishes the fourth game of a seven-game series against the developers, who are playing as the Canucks. The developers don’t score at all, while Timmy puts in at least 14 goals per game. (To be fair, Timmy places the Stanley Cup in a position where he can see the TV but the developers can’t.)

9:15 PM: Timmy holds the developers against the wall until they agree to finish the seven-game series anyway.

10:03 PM: Timmy finishes the series without his virtual alter ego having given up a single goal. Meanwhile the developers have given up at least 10 goals to each of the Bruins’ top nine forwards. (Even Benoit Pouliot.)

10:21 PM: It’s been a long day. The keepers of the Cup drive Timmy to a Vancouver luxury hotel, where he proceeds to max out their credit cards by ordering room service to his ridiculously lavish penthouse suite.

11:44 PM: Timmy passes out in a hot tub filled with whiskey and cheeseburgers.

- Stache